I deal in hope : Carolyn R Scheidies

Blog Bio Patience, conflict and learning to let go

I’ve always struggled with patience. I want to wade in and get done what needs doing. When there was conflict, I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to discuss and talk about the issue until it was solved. I really didn’t mind conflict with a purpose.

I didn’t understand until many years into our marriage that not everyone viewed dealing with issues the same way. Instead of hitting a subject while hot, many, like my husband, preferred to go off to a quiet place and think things through first. Only then was he ready to work through the situation. That used to frustrate me. I didn’t like to wait.

I knew patience was a problem. I knew God encourages patience. It is a virtue. I worked at developing more patience—with kids pushing my last button, with situations out my control, with my body that often frustrated my efforts to accomplish one task or another.

Yes, with my writing I could write, rewrite and keep rewriting until the passage shined. Even then, by the time I turned a book manuscript into my editor, I was heartily sick of it.

When I fell and scrambled my brains, when I had to reach into the darkness of my mind for words and concepts, I had to work hard at regaining what I’d lost. When I tried to explain, I’d get stressed when my mind refused to reveal what I wanted. (I knew the information was in my head, I simply couldn’t readily access it.) My impatience actually increased with my serious fall.

I recovered so very much. I could think more or less clearly, I could read, even write again. In time, I was thankful to be able to breathe without a trach, eat and swallow without a feeding tube. But there are changes. I no longer like confrontation. I avoid some detective, lawyer, and mystery shows I used to enjoy. I still search for words at times, but I have learned to stop and allow the word or phrase to form in my mind. (My husband has gotten pretty good at figuring out what I want to say.)

In many ways, like my speech, I have learned patience. In other ways, I am more impatient. I have a hard time sitting through a two-hour movie. While I used to force myself through any book I started to read, now I am easily bored. I won’t stay with a movie or book once that boredom sets in.

There is nothing wrong with striving for patience. God made me and He knows doing so is not easy for me—especially now. I may be in a new phase of life and there have been changes, but none of that is a surprise to God. I’ve learned that while my patience is limited, God’s is not. I can let go and let God be God. After all, I have also come to realize God knows my situation and loves and accepts me just the way I am. All I need do, is wait on Him. That’s something we all can do.

(c) 2022 Carolyn R Scheidies
Scheidies’ Kearney Hub Column published 7/8/2022
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